Joke Thread
Apr 16, 2009 | 02:16 PM
#131
Teching In
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 39
Likes: 0
The TAX MAN At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,” What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.” What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,” What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.” What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
May 5, 2009 | 03:23 PM
#133
Thread Starter
GFYS and STFU
iTrader: (8)
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 13,870
Likes: 4
From: Here and sometimes there too.
Here's a few jokes for ya'll to enjoy!
Cirle Flies:
A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and
in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy
feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle
flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
That's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me
a horse's ***?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ***."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."
Afganistan to America:
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America.
When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet that in a year's
time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "**** you, towel head."
Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, sh e
asked The maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators.
Cirle Flies:
A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and
in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy
feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle
flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
That's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me
a horse's ***?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ***."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."
Afganistan to America:
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America.
When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet that in a year's
time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "**** you, towel head."
Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, sh e
asked The maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators.
Sep 10, 2009 | 06:03 PM
#137
TECH Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 582
Likes: 0
From: Alberta
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'
