I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, 18-year old Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old Having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'

Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No
hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own
those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll
give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later,
the guy is sitting

on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker
replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino
just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and
says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more
amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly
got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement
savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker,'How much for some *****?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I
want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las
Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole
city?'


'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a
*****.'

 

A 5 year old's first job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew
began to build a house on the empty lot.

The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on
and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "Gems-in-the-rough," (more or less), adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her
ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."


"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
this week, too?"


The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Home Depot
ever deliver the ******' Sheet Rock..."

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the
end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus!"

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

^ lmao

 

Kenny every parents dream child.....................

This kid is awesome!!


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little


KENNY .
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,

"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little KENNY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream .. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little KENNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

LITTLE KENNY ON MATHS

Little KENNY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much h is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies
KENNY .. "But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****** difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"




LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH !





Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little
KENNY that's a mouthful."
Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******."

 

PostSubject: Little Kenny Jokes Thu Dec 13, 2007 7:22 pm Reply with quote
Kenny every parents dream child.....................

This kid is awesome!!


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little


KENNY .
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies,

"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little KENNY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream .. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little KENNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."




LITTLE KENNY ON MATHS

Little KENNY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much h is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies
KENNY .. "But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****** difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"




LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH !





Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little
KENNY that's a mouthful."
Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******."



LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR !





Little KENNY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, KENNY, that is NOT the proper
word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little KENNY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!"




LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little ; KENNY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ******
beautiful!'"

 

LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little

KENNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that
candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little KENNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little KENNY answered, “No, he minded his own ****** business."