A traveling salesman stops at a small village to spend the night. There’s only one hotel run by a middle aged couple. The guy is at the front desk and his wife is in the back room doing the books.
The salesman thows a hundred dollar bill on the coutner and says, "Give me a clean room and a bottle of Whiskey."
"There you are sir," replies the hotel owner as he hands him the key, "Your room is on the second floor. I’ll send your whiskey up shortly. Enjoy your stay."
"Oh and send me a good looking ***** for the night." says the salesman and goes upstairs to his room.
"I heard that!" Says the hotel owner’s wife coming out of the back room, "We run a respectable place here. we can’t have such city trash in our hotel. Throw him out!"
"Look honey, we need the money." Says her husband placatingly, "It’s only for the night, let him stay."
"Okay, that’s it. I’ll go and throw the animal out myself." She replies and storms upstairs.
The hotel owner hears the door slamming, his wife’s hollering and other loud noises from upstairs. He know the poor salesman is catching hell right now.
After a while the salesman comes downstairs. He looks totally whacked, he doesn’t have any clothes on, he’s sweating and panting, his face scrached.
"Holy ****!" he swears, "What kind of crazy ****** do you have in this village? I almost had to rape this one!"

 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

lol.

I found this one digging through some old emails. Could be a repost but I got a chuckle out of it.


Bullfrogs & ********

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give ********!"

"********!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.


The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more ******** for her! She bought the
frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is gone."

 

A little boy who grew up on his Dads farm sat down at the breakfast table one morning and asked his mom where his breakfast was? She said u have not done ur chores yet so no breakfast. The little boy storms out the door.....

He feeds the chickens and then he kicks one of them while leavin the pin.

He feeds the pigs and then kicks one as he leaves the pin.

He feeds the cow and then kicks the cow when he leaves.....

He returns to the table and his mom gives him a dry bowl of cereal, he ask what is this crap mom. She replies, well i saw u kick the chicken, the pig and the cow so u get no eggs, bacon or milk for a week.

The dad walks n and kicks the cat across the kitchen and the little boy says to the mom, u going to tell him or do I have too..........

 

A young man from Texas moved to California and went looking for a job at a big EVERYTHING UNDER ONE ROOF department store.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Yessir. I have sold just about eveything back home in Texas."
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was a bit rough but he got through it alright, he thought. After the store was closed, the manager came down to check on the new boy. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," the kid answered.

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$91,237.64" the young man replied.

"My goodness, what the heck did you sell?"

"Well I sold a guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down at the coast,' so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the traveler truck department and sold him that 4X4."

Amazed his boss exclaimed: "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a rod, a boat, and a truck?"

The kid says: "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well mister, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishin'."

 

A horse walks into a bar...


oh wait. it was sarah jessica parker.

 

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

 

^^^^that ones pretty good ^^^^

 

God looked down from heaven and asked Adam, "Where is Eve?". Adam said, "Down in the river taking a bath." God said, "Great! Now I am NEVER going to get that smell out of my fish!"

 

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bar tender looks up at him and said, "Doesn't that get on your nerves?" the pirate looks at him and said,"ARRR, its driving me NUTS!"