My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why? ' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

 

Rodney was a funny man.

 

lol several good ones in there hahahah

 

Haha damn! I like the two-bagger one!

 

Thanks for sharing

 

Yeah He And George Carlin Were Some Funny Ones

 

i could tell my parents hated me..my bath toys were a toaster and a radio..

im so ugly every time id play in the sand box the cat kept trying to cover me up..

im so ugly my father kept the pictures of the kids that came with the wallet..

Haha i love Rodneys 1 liners..

 

My favorite one is in a movie he did...

As he walks through a party, he sees a young couple tounging each other and says:
"You two, find a room"...

He takes a few more steps and sees a heavy couple doing the same thing and says:
"You two, find a warehouse"...

 

in caddyshack he said..

"last time I saw lips like those, they had a hook in them"

and his most famous line ever..."kids these days, no respect"