New information about tools that you must read
01-21-2010, 01:09 PM
#1
New information about tools that you must read
Definition of tools
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used
by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy
tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a
BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
And last, but not least:
BEER: Usually used to pass time and calms nerves after the project extends into the following day. Also calms the nerves of the buddies you (with evil mind) convinced to help you by simply providing the said beer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used
by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy
tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a
BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
And last, but not least:
BEER: Usually used to pass time and calms nerves after the project extends into the following day. Also calms the nerves of the buddies you (with evil mind) convinced to help you by simply providing the said beer!
