Joke Thread
Jan 25, 2008 | 07:38 PM
#81
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington
State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had
his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening
for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's ***** and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation,
the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had
his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening
for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's ***** and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation,
the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
Jan 25, 2008 | 09:37 PM
#82
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .
Jan 25, 2008 | 09:39 PM
#83
A little political humor
Senator Hillary Clinton was on a plane
to Texas and finds herself seated next to an
older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded
jeans and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she
decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these
flights go much more quickly if you strike up a
conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's
talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says,
"Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a
hint of sarcasm, "How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing
Hillary's attempt to belittle him, "That could
be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a
question first; horses, cows, and deer all eat the same
stuff..... grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets,
a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton's replies,
"I haven't the slightest idea."
So tell me then," says the cowboy with
a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss Iraq when you don't know ****?"
God Bless America
Senator Hillary Clinton was on a plane
to Texas and finds herself seated next to an
older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded
jeans and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she
decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these
flights go much more quickly if you strike up a
conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's
talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says,
"Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a
hint of sarcasm, "How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing
Hillary's attempt to belittle him, "That could
be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a
question first; horses, cows, and deer all eat the same
stuff..... grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets,
a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton's replies,
"I haven't the slightest idea."
So tell me then," says the cowboy with
a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss Iraq when you don't know ****?"
God Bless America
Jan 25, 2008 | 09:40 PM
#84
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Jan 25, 2008 | 09:41 PM
#85
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, .........................
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, .........................
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma
Feb 1, 2008 | 02:20 PM
#87
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES"
courtesy of the aussies
and one more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hEG-JIyiJ4&NR=1
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES"
courtesy of the aussies
and one more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hEG-JIyiJ4&NR=1
Last edited by wastedrubber; Feb 1, 2008 at 02:48 PM.
Feb 1, 2008 | 05:52 PM
#88
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No, " he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, " he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn -- this thing must be an hour fast!"
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No, " he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, " he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn -- this thing must be an hour fast!"
Feb 1, 2008 | 09:24 PM
#89
cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex,"and the thirsty cowboy asks, "WhyTimex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex,"and the thirsty cowboy asks, "WhyTimex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."
Feb 1, 2008 | 09:26 PM
#90
bedroom golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment to play…Usually one club and two *****
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the ***** out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict length of club to prevent damage to the hole.
6. The object is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denial of play on that course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin play immediately upon arrival at the course. The seasoned player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or currently still play to the owner of the course they are playing. Upset players have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to carry proper rain gear.
10. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
11. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match.
12. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. Many players prefer to continue playing several courses to avoid such hassles.
Note: It is advised that extreme discretion be used if you are a member of one course and wish to play another.
Happy Golfing!!!
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment to play…Usually one club and two *****
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the ***** out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict length of club to prevent damage to the hole.
6. The object is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denial of play on that course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin play immediately upon arrival at the course. The seasoned player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or currently still play to the owner of the course they are playing. Upset players have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to carry proper rain gear.
10. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
11. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match.
12. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. Many players prefer to continue playing several courses to avoid such hassles.
Note: It is advised that extreme discretion be used if you are a member of one course and wish to play another.
Happy Golfing!!!