ok ok...

A blond is out in the middle of a field rowing a boat.
One person driving by in a car stops and asks hear what she is doing, "rowing my boat she says" they drive away thinking that shes crazy..
Then another person stops, this lady is also a blond. "what are you doing" she asks. "rowing my boat" the first blond replys.
The blond in the car gets mad " you know its because of blonds like you that people think all blonds are stupid. If i could swim i would come out there and kick your ***."

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National
Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally
naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but
the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky
T-shirt approached the couple and said,

"Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than
the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In
fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners,

and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

A few weeks ago I was helping one of our "sweeper boys" throw some metal away in a metal recycle dumpster.
On the side of the dumpster there was a label depicting what could and could not be thrown away.
One item that was not to be thrown away, was a grenade.



The sweeper boy looked at the label and said in his infinite wisdom "look you can't throw grenades away." I told him "if I had a grenade, I wouldn't just throw it away." To which he said. "Well, maybe a used one........"

 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"




LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"



QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".



WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

 

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

 

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They
approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him
chained to a transmission! "

 

Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make-up at the same time????

Because she can't eat Jenny Craig while she's got Mary Kay on her face!!!!

 

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY
ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY:

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in
a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under
her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.! ...

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his *****. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in
her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I
would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it
was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with
a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were
fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of
pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm
sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing
constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast
of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we
live sheltered lives!)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He
said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A
nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally,
a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact
lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington
State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had
his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening
for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's ***** and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation,
the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

 

Poor Bob...Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for
his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is
puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no, " says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?"

I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st
nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all
over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her
getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately
to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

Late one night Johnny and his little brother Billy heard strange noises coming from their parents bedroom. So they creeped down the hall and peeped thru the door. Johnny turned to little Billy.......and she gives you hell for sucking your thumb!