buzzkillwill

iTrader: (5)

Like most, if not all here, I get emails from people about doing this or I'll get bad luck, or do this to save some kids life, or blah, blah, blah. Those emails I shitcan right away. But I had a few sent to me that I saved, because they were funny. Here's some of them-

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is ..............not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is ..............having friends.
At age 16 success is ..............having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is ..............having sex.
At age 35 success is ..............having money.
At age 50 success is ..............having money.
At age 60 success is ..............having sex.
At age 70 success is ..............having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ..............having friends.
At age 80 success is . ............not peeing in your pants!!

For the Ladies--- 19 CLUES FOR CALLING IT A NIGHT:

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the
ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ***.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy
Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00AM sub on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the nerd sitting beside you.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10.The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11.You've forgotten where you live.
12.You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes
you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now)
you only smoke when you drink.
13.You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving
you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste
the gin or vodka.
14.You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15.You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the
wrong way but..."
16.You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17.Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18.You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19.You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really
want to.

chevrolet all the way

iTrader: (24)

haha nice!!