Joke Thread
12-16-2007, 03:56 AM
#61
One more...thank you truckmann! 
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd" replied the doctor "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says to her "Your not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde" she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken." replies the doctor.
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd" replied the doctor "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says to her "Your not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde" she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken." replies the doctor.
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
12-18-2007, 09:07 AM
#62
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
12-23-2007, 08:03 PM
#63
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Why Parents Drink
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees
had not phoned in
sick
one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper..
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your
Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave
a message, the
boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in
the background
through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed
a
helicopter,"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are
they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle...
"Me."
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees
had not phoned in
sick
one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper..
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your
Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave
a message, the
boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in
the background
through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed
a
helicopter,"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are
they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle...
"Me."
12-23-2007, 10:13 PM
#65
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Why Parents Drink
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees
had not phoned in
sick
one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper..
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your
Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave
a message, the
boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in
the background
through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed
a
helicopter,"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are
they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle...
"Me."
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees
had not phoned in
sick
one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper..
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your
Mommy
there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave
a message, the
boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in
the background
through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed
a
helicopter,"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are
they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle...
"Me."
m fiance just said we are sooooooo not having kids 
so how much ya drink tyler??
12-27-2007, 08:50 PM
#66
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Virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
01-08-2008, 09:46 AM
#68
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DR. PHIL :The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH :Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH :We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL :Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY :Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE :That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN :To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
OPRAH :Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH :We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL :Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY :Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE :That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN :To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
01-08-2008, 09:49 AM
#69
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
MARTHA STEWART :No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS :Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY :To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL :Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA :In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS :Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON :Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE :It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES :I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.
DR SEUSS :Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY :To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL :Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA :In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS :Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON :Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE :It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES :I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.
01-08-2008, 09:49 AM
#70
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
ALBERT EINSTEIN :Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON :I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE :I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS :Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON :Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
BILL CLINTON :I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE :I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS :Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON :Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.