Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas:

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ***.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ***.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that, they would get a serious *** kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ***.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen... or we'll kick your ***.

Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your *** kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your *** on home - before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ***.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your *** all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your *** -- just like they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ***.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box -- minus your ***.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your *** out.

16) Enjoy your visit and Don't Mess With Texas.

 

in the immortal words of Cody Canada " if i were president....the capital's in Pampa, Texas, that's the only place a house that big belongs....if i were president"

 

it's strange how different the culture is outside of Texas. i've done quite a bit of traveling and what gets me the most is manners. people don't seem to have the common courtesy to say sir or ma'am, offer your seat to a lady, hold the door open for others, keep your mouth shut if you're cussin and there's a female in the room, and seriously...take off that stupid hat at the dinner table. is it really that hard?

 

Well, I must admit, I liked Texas a lot more than anywhere else I ever lived!

 

texas is too flat

 

Hah...that's a good one shark.
I still will never understand the whole "coke" thing. I know a girl from TN and she told me the same thing goes on there...
How the hell does your waiter or whatever know what you want?
So if I want a Sprite...I say, "Can I get a Coke?" Huh?

 

I get too accustomed to stuff here too...I went to New Mexico once and went to Wendy's and tried to order a '1/4lb Texas Double Cheeseburger' and they looked at my like "WTF are you talking about?" Also I went to Indiana and tried to order 'Chicken Fried Chicken' and they had no idea what I was trying to get.

I still love when people from out of state ask how many horses I have!

 

well in a restaurant, of course you have to be more specific, but lets say you are outside working on your truck and a friend says what do you want to drink? water, kool-aid, or coke? and you say I want a coke. Then the friend would say, well I have Pepsi, Sprite, etc etc

 

Man i love it, and it is so true. i have been all over, and i cant stand hearing soda pop up north. I will never live anywere else but texas. we are just so much better than any other state and the ladies are so much HOTTER! Nothing is better than my girl, helping wash my truck after mudding with a bikini on and a cowboy hat!

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!

 

no its not...never been to austin? nothing but hills

all up and down highway 36

central texas is hillier than a mother...

lubbock/amarillo/el paso/odessa...super flat

houston/dallas...semi flat