Joke Thread
10-28-2007, 05:56 PM
#32
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(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300
C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due
again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And,
we're not using it anymore.
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in
a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.â It
creates a hostile work environment.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300
C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due
again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And,
we're not using it anymore.
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in
a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.â It
creates a hostile work environment.
10-28-2007, 06:29 PM
#33
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for **** sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for **** sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
ok... julien... i am suprised..... this is more of a dewey joke
10-28-2007, 06:58 PM
#34
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A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What’s the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he’s drunk."
The man says, "What’s the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he’s drunk."
10-28-2007, 07:29 PM
#35
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well pedro just got married and was back at work after his honneymoon where some of the guys asked "pedro how many times did you and your wife have sex last night?"
pedro says "once"
guys at work say "pedro, you better have sex more than that with your wife or shes gonig to leave you"
pedro thinks about it and goes home
well a day goes by and pedros back at work and the guys ask "pedro, how many times did you and your wife have sex last night"
pedro says "three times"
guys at work shaking there head say "pedro...you better have sex more than that with your wife or shes going to leave you"
pedro somewhat frustrated goes home
another day goes by and pedros back at work and the guys ask again "pedro, how many times did you and your wife have sex last night"
pedro says proudly "man, I had sex TWENTY-FIVE times last night!"
guys at work go "pedro...HOW THE HELL did you have sex 25 times last night!?"
pedro goes (rocking his hips back and forth) counting "1...2...3...4..."
pedro says "once"
guys at work say "pedro, you better have sex more than that with your wife or shes gonig to leave you"
pedro thinks about it and goes home
well a day goes by and pedros back at work and the guys ask "pedro, how many times did you and your wife have sex last night"
pedro says "three times"
guys at work shaking there head say "pedro...you better have sex more than that with your wife or shes going to leave you"
pedro somewhat frustrated goes home
another day goes by and pedros back at work and the guys ask again "pedro, how many times did you and your wife have sex last night"
pedro says proudly "man, I had sex TWENTY-FIVE times last night!"
guys at work go "pedro...HOW THE HELL did you have sex 25 times last night!?"
pedro goes (rocking his hips back and forth) counting "1...2...3...4..."
10-29-2007, 08:19 AM
#36
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.''Speaking.''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.''What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.''Well, what am I supposed to do now?''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.''Speaking.''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.''What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.''Well, what am I supposed to do now?''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
10-29-2007, 10:08 AM
#37
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MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.''Speaking.''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.''What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.''Well, what am I supposed to do now?''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.''Speaking.''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.''What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.''That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.''Well, what am I supposed to do now?''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
10-29-2007, 09:34 PM
#38
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After great sex, she laid there stroking his *****. He asked, "Want some more?" She said "No, I'm just admiring it......I used to have one."
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10-29-2007, 10:07 PM
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A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
10-29-2007, 10:08 PM
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WEEK AT THE GYM
If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the d o or. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If you can read this without laughing out loud.... well......
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the d o or. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!